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the girl in the red dress

I look at my reflection in the mirror. I wear a red dress with flowers. It's a beautiful summer dress, looking slightly vintage with the high neckline and the lower part from the the waist on rather wide and flowing. It makes a beautiful figure and the colour looks bright and positive. I've never worn a dress like this before.
Mostly I wear dark dresses. I've never worn many dresses before but since 1-2 years I started to love them. But they are usually black or dark blue.

I know that he would've been happy to see me in a bright dress like this. In general he used to say I wear too many dark clothes. But he did not know about the abyss in my head and most of the trouble I had. But it's okay. I think it was better that way. He would've worried too much.

Now I wish he could see me. Who I became and how I changed. That I wear nice dresses now. That I actually feel like a woman even though I feel much younger than I am. But I also feel I've grown up more since he's gone.

I wish we could talk. Have a cup of coffee together and just talk and smile at each other. Share nice memories together. Hug each other tightly.
Just him ... and the girl in the red dress.
7.8.17 14:51


who cares if one more light goes out?

... well I do.

I was no typical Linkin Park fan. I listened to them a lot though. I really liked their music. The last album I listened to very much was A Thousand Suns. After that their style wasn't really what I liked anymore. But I still went to a couple of concerts, in Berlin, Gräfenhainichen, Leipzig etc. I usually went with my brother who is a big fan of them.
But I was sad when I heard about the death of Chester. I can honestly say that it crushed me. I knew about this past, his "demons". He sang about them a lot. Which is probably why I felt understood. I could relate to many things. I honestly never cried for someone famous that passed away. This time I was devasted and incredibly sad. I am sad that he chose that way. That he felt that this was the only solution... but it is not for me to judge. I am simply sad and grieving. I hope that Chester found his peace. I can asure that he will not be forgotten. That he lives on... in his children, his music, his fans... he will be missed.

#RIPChester

And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in gray
And the sun will set for you.......

 

25.7.17 10:43


lost in thoughts

Another day lost in my thoughts. I am trying hard not to. Concentrating is almost impossible. A few months ago I was lost in thoughts almost every day. It got better when I had a break from everything... but sometimes one thought, one picture, one message is enough to make my head spin.

I wish it kept a distance.
I wish I was able to stay away.
but my thoughts wont let me go.
I linger in my daydreams.
Hoping they come true.
Knowing they'll never be reality.
your eyes, your look
I wish I could push it away.
But I wont...
I never will.

 

30.6.17 16:11


a memory that lingers

do you know the feeling when you see or feel or smell something that is so familiar? something that makes you feel that time is slowing down because you are trying to remember.

I have that feeling when I smell bleach because it reminds me of my time in kindergarten and how the towels in the bathroom smelled of it somehow.

it strucks you... and yes, it makes time go slower.

last week it struck me and I remembered things so clearly. My mum found one of his winter caps. I knew it would be painful to remember as soon as I held the cap in my hands. But I could not resist. I wanted that last memory. I wanted to remember the smell for ever.
It smelled like I knew it would. It almost brought tears to my eyes. But I knew this was something I had to remember. Something that you will never lose. It might get a bit weaker over time... but you will never forget it..

8.5.17 09:34


I drown in a cloud

It smells like snow...
The sky is grey
my mind cloudy

I remember the last snow
before you left for ever
cold like your hands

I wish I could hold your hands once more.

19.4.17 15:59


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