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I want to snuggle up to you and bury my head in your arms.
I want to dim the lights and see the stars instead.
I want to forget what happened.

The first Christmas without him being there.
The lonely seat at the end of the table.
The missing smile and the missing hugs...

I can't imagine Christmas without him
I feel lost and dizzy.
My head can't comprehend what happened this year.

I lost you forever.
I will miss you forever.
Please know..... you will be in my heart forever.

[for M.M., my granddad whom I miss so much that I can barely breathe...]

21.12.17 16:49


fall is on it's way
my mind is elsewhere
my thoughts drifting away
I miss him, I miss him, I miss him

I feel left alone
fighting this fight on my own
while everyone else keeps on pretending
as if nothing ever happened

tired of being told how lucky I am
to have so much time
telling me I am never as busy as they are
as if they knew

they don't.
they. don't. know. a fuck.
but I start to feel empty
protecting myself against the cold.

I wish back the old times...

22.9.17 16:36

late August

on a day like today
we would have sat in the garden
drinking coffee, eating cake
talking about random things
smiling at each other
enjoying every single minute

I can't describe how much I miss you.

24.8.17 16:01

Letter to you

Today I did not make it to the cemetary. I am sorry, I wished I've had more time. I even got you flowers again, as usually whenever I get the chance to get them for you. But mum brought them to you. I feel close to you there, just like at home. You are everywhere. In the house and in the air, in the beautiful blooming garden... it's like you never actually left. For me you did not leave. You are always there. It calms me. That's why I long to get back home. One day we will. I miss you.
13.8.17 22:41

letting go......

Two very nice quotes that I recently read about letting go. They fit so well..

The reason why we can't let go of someone is because deep inside we still hope.

Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things you will ever do.
But I promise you that it's not as hard as holding on to someone who'll never love you back.

8.8.17 13:40

the girl in the red dress

I look at my reflection in the mirror. I wear a red dress with flowers. It's a beautiful summer dress, looking slightly vintage with the high neckline and the lower part from the the waist on rather wide and flowing. It makes a beautiful figure and the colour looks bright and positive. I've never worn a dress like this before.
Mostly I wear dark dresses. I've never worn many dresses before but since 1-2 years I started to love them. But they are usually black or dark blue.

I know that he would've been happy to see me in a bright dress like this. In general he used to say I wear too many dark clothes. But he did not know about the abyss in my head and most of the trouble I had. But it's okay. I think it was better that way. He would've worried too much.

Now I wish he could see me. Who I became and how I changed. That I wear nice dresses now. That I actually feel like a woman even though I feel much younger than I am. But I also feel I've grown up more since he's gone.

I wish we could talk. Have a cup of coffee together and just talk and smile at each other. Share nice memories together. Hug each other tightly.
Just him ... and the girl in the red dress.
7.8.17 14:51

who cares if one more light goes out?

... well I do.

I was no typical Linkin Park fan. I listened to them a lot though. I really liked their music. The last album I listened to very much was A Thousand Suns. After that their style wasn't really what I liked anymore. But I still went to a couple of concerts, in Berlin, Gräfenhainichen, Leipzig etc. I usually went with my brother who is a big fan of them.
But I was sad when I heard about the death of Chester. I can honestly say that it crushed me. I knew about this past, his "demons". He sang about them a lot. Which is probably why I felt understood. I could relate to many things. I honestly never cried for someone famous that passed away. This time I was devasted and incredibly sad. I am sad that he chose that way. That he felt that this was the only solution... but it is not for me to judge. I am simply sad and grieving. I hope that Chester found his peace. I can asure that he will not be forgotten. That he lives on... in his children, his music, his fans... he will be missed.


And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in gray
And the sun will set for you.......


25.7.17 10:43

lost in thoughts

Another day lost in my thoughts. I am trying hard not to. Concentrating is almost impossible. A few months ago I was lost in thoughts almost every day. It got better when I had a break from everything... but sometimes one thought, one picture, one message is enough to make my head spin.

I wish it kept a distance.
I wish I was able to stay away.
but my thoughts wont let me go.
I linger in my daydreams.
Hoping they come true.
Knowing they'll never be reality.
your eyes, your look
I wish I could push it away.
But I wont...
I never will.


30.6.17 16:11

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